To You

Amazing isn't it? I cannot get you off of my mind. I try so desperately to escape thoughts of you; yet they are so hard to avoid. Songs tease my ears as I try as my mind attempts to not relay each note, each lyric, every harmony into a memory of you.  What did we really have anyway? It wasn't love. Although, I remember the day all to well that you professed the act of falling in love with me. How quickly that vanished. It wasn't friendship. Phone calls that began the situation eventually turned into random texts and delayed email replies. Phone calls were blocked/forwarded. Reason were provided but never believed. Heart was broken, but I guess that is what I get for going against my gut and wearing my heart on my sleeve. I tried to ignore this feeling. I tried to brush it off as  a fling, a lesson learned; never a mistake. When you want something at one point as much as I wanted you it could never be a mistake. Truth is I still want you now; whats worse is I want you now more than ever before. I want our late night conversations. The instant smile springing to my face, and warmth passing between my legs that only a text or image of your face on my caller id could bring. I want the urge to have water in my fridge constantly because I knew you would want a fresh bottle after we were finished enjoying each other fully. I miss your body. Every muscle, ripple, curve. Every overworked tendon. Every flawless imperfection. I miss your memory. I miss your voice playfully teasing. I miss the rare morning I was able to enjoy you just a bit longer than usual. I miss floating on air for the remainder of my day; either because I had you that morning, or because I would have you that night. And I sit here wondering what I should now. Should I reach out to you and express my feelings for the millionth time. I know you are more than aware. Should I ask you to give me a chance. Try something new. I do not care of your status. I do not care for any wealth you may or may not have. I accept you and any baggage or responsibility you may bring. I just want you. I want to be the woman that accepted and loved you past your hurt and pain. Past the misunderstanding and absence of consistent care. I want to love you past any lies or mistrust you have had. Never hold against you your indiscretions. I long to show you that it's okay. You can love freely and be loved just as freely in return. There is no shame in smiling or wanting more. I do not want to benefit from your success I long to contribute. But will any of this matter. Will any of this strike a nerve. Will any of this open your eyes to see that I quite possibly could be the one. I know it won't. So I continue my pursuit elsewhere. Most days I am able to move forward quite easily. Then there are days like to day when a simple sentence, lyric, image......it flashes or plays briefly, yet it replays in my mind forever and I think of you, and I miss you. I fight the urge to hear your voice. My heart is screaming your name and tears well up in my eyes. It is all in vain I know. I beat this into my head like the loudest drum that could ever exist; then I write. I write until every feeling for you I feel at that moment is spent. I write until I am emotionally drained and can express myself no more. I write until I have convinced myself once again, even though it is only temporary, that this is for the best. I write away my sorrows, and pain. My missing you's and love you's that I fight to keep from you every moment. I write for my sanity. I write from my heart.